At the psychiatric hospital Part II

Something needs to be done in order to have people become aware of all the patients dying in psychiatric hospitals because of the misuse of restraints and seclusion.

Better measures need to be set in place for how hospital staff should go about in order to 'secure' the well-being of patients. Let us not forget that psychiatric patients ARE HUMAN, and that no matter how society regards mental illness, they deserve to be treated with respect.

-http://www.oikos.org/psychabuse.htm

-http://www.caica.org/RESTRAINTS%20Death%20List.htm

-http://www.pcma.com/crisis_intervention_news/
deadly_restraint/day3.stm

(and there's a lot more...)

So what do I have anyway..

Just things I've been diagnosed with:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Bipolar disorder
Depression
Anxiety
A lot isn't it?
My point: these are all just labels; don't let labels define you as a person; don't always trust doctors; get second opinions.

Poem-depressed again

It’s been too long. Too long since I’ve had a normal decent relationship or friendship; people they just come and go like seasons and moments of bliss. Complete despair; nothing matters, I have no soul. Why do people even get on with their lives? It’s all for nothing; nothing for all. I don’t know so don’t ask me. Don’t give up? Why not? Old and grey. Lonesome, lost, a fantasy world where people are perfect, none of it really exists-it’s all in the mind. A fruitless state now oh so familiar.

At the psychiatric hospital- Part I

I can still see the room. Small, cold and with nothing more than a hospital bed in it. Twice-my-size guards, and nurses starting to surround me and telling me to take my clothes off. Men just staring like they were expecting something. It was either I took my clothes off or they did it for me. I would sit on the bed shocked and a second later feel them tear my clothes off while I resisted. Then they'd give me a hospital gown and each staff tightly held one of my arm or legs as they spread them out onto the four corners of the bed. I couldn't feel the blood in my hands anymore because they had cuffed my wrists so tightly. I couldn’t breathe.

I yelled. I told them they were hurting me. I told them to stop but they ignored me. They covered my body with bed sheets like they cover a dead body in a body bag only they left my nose and eyes uncovered. They medicated me and left me there for what felt like an agonizing moment. I started to scream as loud as I could. I cried, but no one came.

I must have fallen asleep after a while because I do remember waking up and still being in restraints. When I woke up there was a nurses aid sitting outside the room and so I asked her to come. I wanted her to untie me. But she told me I'd have to stay the way I was. Or rather, I had to "behave" first but even then, it was always "one more hour". Some time went by until the night-shift nurses' aid showed up and then after that the day-one. Finally by morning, after more than 8 hours of being restrained I was released. I could barely move. My entire body was shaking and all I wanted to do was die.

The first time I was restrained was because I had cut myself. But after that, no matter what I did, it was regarded as deserving of being restrained for. Talking "too" loud, being a little "agitated", disagreeing with the staff. And if it wasn't me supposedly doing something, it was some nurse provoking me into acting out so I could get restrained. Perhaps they were short staffed on those days and assumed I'd be a burden.

I was being confined to my room, on most days, for entire days, with someone who watched my every move like I was somekind of monster. I was being isolated, confined to my room and restrained while everyone else got to hang around the ward and watch TV or play games.

I started to feel like I was going insane beyond repair. I threw my bed upside down and refrained myself from eating. I attempted choking myself with my bed sheets. And of course that gave way to some more restraining.

These vivid mental images about being restrained creep up on me to this day, mostly at night, when I'm trying to fall asleep. They make my heart beat a thousand times faster and my mind feel like it's going to explode.

Lying in Bed

All i've been able to do today is lie in bed. it's been more than 3 weeks that i tell myself im going to see someone but i just dont have the energy so i rather stay home and slowly fade away..besides, i would never want to deal with mental hospital staff ever again.

Everytime i come home from school i cry. i eat and i cry. i watch tv and i cry.

If i wouldnt be such a chicken i would stop eating and lay in my bed till i somehow died but then thats kind of unrealistic. Maybe swallowing a bottle of windex should do the trick.

I cant take rejection anymore, i cant take people anymore, i cant take my pathetic indoor life anymore

The Unread Letter

These past few days have been the worst. Well, it’s more like the past month.. and the worst part about it is I don’t even know why. I cry all the time and I can’t stand people anymore- that’s all I know. And I’ve been getting suicidal thoughts- a lot.

Even if killing myself is something I can’t picture myself doing, I fear that one day I will just let go off my fear to die and carry it out in a split second. I feel like I 'm always on the verge of killing myself but then I start thinking about what it must feel like to be old and saggy and how I one day want to find that out for myself.

But then again..what I CAN picture happening is me feeling like I don’t want to feel anymore and shutting my brain out..forever. Uh..